Retail Worker, the Canadian Dream.

Posted by brianne at 02:55 PM on November 6, 2009 in Days in her World.

So, I landed a job at an electronics store and possibly another one at a department store. I'm working part time at both jobs and I will be working 7 days a week.

I am going to save up money so I can go home but I need to be patient. As much as I'd love to book a ticket now, I'm broke. I'm being paid almost minimum and I will be working less than 35 hours a week so I will be earning less than $1000 per month.

I will sacrifice all my "wants" even if I would have to buy them in the Philippines at a higher price.

What really sucks is that I know that from here on out I need to take each day at a time. Tiny steps until I reach my goal and it is actually scaring me because I feel it would just take longer and longer. 

If I wanted to stay here and I felt life was better here then I should be feeling that now since I have already been here for more than 2 months but I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that I have 2 jobs but I just don't want to be here.

We do what we have to.

postulate here

Posted by bianx at 10:35 AM on October 29, 2009.

1. Name: bianxraquel
2. Age: 26
3. Birthday: 10/11/83
4. Location: QC, La Union
5. School: Siena College QC, Christ the King College, La Union National High School, UP College Baguio, FEU - Fern Diliman, Our Lady of Fatima University Valenzuela, La Union College of Nursing, Arts and Sciences. Hey, what can I say? I love schools.
6. Height: 5'4
7. Bloodtype: O
8. Religion: Catholic
9. Hobbies: I like to listen to all sorts of music, I have a knack for taking photos of everything that piques my interest, I sometimes write crap in this blog, I was once a very mushy person who used to create poetry (depending on the guy she meets) rofl
10. Personality: Slightly introverted; Extremely Shy, but becomes uber-confident when drunk
11. When you're the happiest: When there's food, when there's something to read, when I hang out at the beach, and when I hang out with someone who shall not be named. Voldemort? Hoho.
12. Your biggest complaint currently: I need a paying job. Tsss
13. What you wear when you sleep: Shirt and shorts
14. A hairstyle you like on the opposite gender: Long Haired and/or Short Haired ones with a tinge of goatee. It depends really. I usually get attracted to long haired guys, I tend to stare at them more than the short-haired ones. But if I were like, serious with someone I usually don't care anymore. I mean it's just hair, if I like 'em long on someone they could always grow it back anyway.
15. Ideal guy: Someone I can be best friends with at the same time; smart, understanding, extremely sweet, romantic, mushy regardless of how 'metal' he is, someone I can go to places with and not give a damn about where, someone I can enjoy doing things with without being awkward or uncomfy. A musician, an artist, a writer. Any and all. I don't know. I've always liked the artsy/musician types.
16. Habits: Moderate www.filipinometal.com/forums, go online for hours on end, read books, watch dvd's, eat, sleep, smoke, drink, repeat
17. Favorite fruit: Mango, Banana, Pineapple
18. Favorite vegetable: Squash, Brocolli, Potatoes, String Beans, Sitaw, Sayote
19. Guy celebrities you think are good looking: Johnny Depp baby
20. Girl celebrities you think are pretty: Charlize Theron would be one. Then there's Kate Hudson
21. A treasured posession: I don't know...
22. Numbers you like: 11, 8, 15, 16, 27
23. Things that stress you: Nursing Career Path and not having any income for the past 9 months
24. My bad qualities: I have a tendency of becoming too clingy and emotional, paranoid at times. But I'm working on them. At least it's not as evident as before.
25. Your mood right now: Just plain tired.
26. What you want to do right now: I want to hug someone so badly right now.
27. A kid you like: My brothers Enzo and Miguel
28. Food you like: Anything meat! But lately I'm loving lamb and beef longganisa, and bawit's cebu longganisa. I like tocino too. and Sisig. And I'll never live to see 60. Lol
29. Food you don't like: Ampalaya. Kahit ikuskos mo pa siya sa asin para hindi maging mapait. No way man.
30. Shoe size: 8 1/2?
31. Drinking capacity: It depends on the day, who I'm drinking with and if I feel like drinking. There was one time I outdrank all my guy tropas, there were times when all we had was wine and I had to crawl on the way home
32. Cigarette: I started with Marlboro Greens when I was in Highschool. Then it shifted to Marlboro Reds + Snow Bear; then it was Marlboro Gold. There was a time that I even smoked Phillip Morris. Now it's back to Marlboro Greens.
33. A movie that made you sad: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
34. A childhood dream: To be a Cardiovascular Surgeon. Now I know why I couldn't be, and why I wanted to be one before. (grins)
35. Motto: Mmmm.
36. Bedtime: Weee hours of the morning
37. Your future hope: successful nurse, steady income, married, family, happy.
38. Do you think you're the type that laughs easily: It depends on who makes me laugh
39. Something you cook well: eggs! and mmm. hotdogs. anything processed, fried or instant
40. Where do you live right now?:that's a weird question. I still don't know. I'm not very sure. But I live anywhere my heart leads me to.
41. A event that remains in your memory: A lot. Read my blog and these are the memories, bad and good.
42. What you say often: Sheesh
43. First kiss: I dont remember
44. If you did, where: refer to answer above
45. When you see a guy, where do you look first: Any part of the face.
46. If you suddenly got a million dollars?: I'd have my family buy whatever they want first, whatever's left of the million dollars, I'd spend it on myself. Like... a nice DSLR, a car maybe, and a place of my own.
47. A drama that you had fun watching?: I dont like drama.
48. A movie you had fun watching?: Anything with Adam Sandler in it.
49. Eyesight: 20/20 yata
50. Destressing methods: Sleep. Getting myself drunk to release the stress. Cry.
51. What you want to learn: i want to learn how to unlearn things so i could start anew.
64. What you want to do: I want to be happy.
65. If your boyfriend was dying: I would never leave his side. Except for bathroom breaks.
66. When do you feel like you hate yourself: All the time.
67. About relationships before marriage: I feel like I suck at relationships. So I don't know
68. Lifestyle principle: Live your life one day at a time. Never expect too much, or too little. Be happy for the moment, and when there are regrets, take them as life lessons and start all over again. You'd be scared, yes, but eventually you'll get there, be with someone you've always wanted, and be loved the way you've always dreamed of being loved.
69. Weather that I like: Whatever weather it is just before Christmas
70. When is your TV time: Almost never
71. Precious friends: Diwi, Louie, Mel Manyak, Karen, Kel and hmm who else.
72. Life is?: this.
73. Favorite drink: Red Horse, Red Wine, Vodka-Sprite, Rhum-Coke
74. Favorite meal: Tocilog, Sisilog, LAMB gosh
75: Favorite cookies: Chips Ahoy
76. If you break up with your boyfriend, you would go: Done. I've grown apathetic to the last break up that it just didn't matter anymore.
77. A teacher you respect: My philosophy professor in UP College Baguio and the finance professor at FEU Fern. But I forgot their names.
78. Introduce your family: Hi. My name is bianx and I have four siblings, two from my mom, and two from my dad. See, they long since separated when I was six. Then they remarried. From my mom there's Enzo who is now 14 and Miguel, who is 17 and taking up Entrepreneurship. Both study in Angelicum. Now as for my other two siblings, they're both in La Union. One is Henry Arvin, and I don't know how old he is now, and there's Haidi Jarene. I think they're 15 and 11 respectively. So I'm the eldest of us five.
79. Happiness is: appreciating the simplest things in life. (I couldn't have said it better myself)
80. A birthday present that you remember most: Highschool. When my mom gave me this small inspirational book with quotes in 'em.
81. Favorite animal: Dog
82. Favorite plant: Uhm. I don't like plants. Except maybe if it's the small cactuses that doesn't need much watering.
83. Favorite season: Just before christmas, whatever you call that season. Oh I like surfing season
84. About antis: ?
85. If you had to choose between love or friendship: I say both. But it starts with the latter, so it will just eventually sprout, you know, that overrated word. Bleh. I mean love.
86. If the world was to come to an end tomorrow: then I hope it's not too painful.
87. Singing skills: Only in videokes!
88. Dancing skills: I used to be part of the Dance Varsity in UP Baguio called 'Tayaw'. We used to do modern/ethnic interpretative dances that involves much splits, high kicks and skimpy skin-tight tights..
89. Your theme song: I have two. 3 Libras by A Perfect Circle and Gorecki by Lamb
90. Current obsession?: a DSLR. Nikon D60 and a VR 18 - 200 mm lens
91. Favorite fruit tree: Mmmmm.
92. What do you feel about relationships where a girl is older than the boy: Uhm, never tried so no idea.
93. If you were to die tomorrow: there's not much I can do.
94. When do you want to marry: I don't know really. I'd be lucky if I ever get married. I've had thoughts that I may never will, just because nothing ever works out for me
95. Yourself 20 years later: Hopefully happy.
96. A country you want to see the most: Italy!
97. E-mail: ? bianxraquel@yahoo.com
98. What you want to say to those who read this: Hey ho, let's go!
99. If you had a trait you want to fix: Be more sociable
100. Last word: Word.

3 theories

October '09.

Posted by bianx at 09:46 PM on October 28, 2009.

Sometimes, I don't get myself anymore. Why I am the way I was, why I leave QC for La Union. I always used to say that in La Union, I am happy. Now I know what the difference is between happy - La Union and happy - Manila - Now.

In La Union, I feel free. There is no limit to the hours I can go out, the places I can go to. I am free; some people call my name and I have no idea who they are. San Fernando is too small a town - it's a place where you can win small literary contests in and have everybody know who you are the succeeding days. I felt free; on days when I am extremely depressed, I could just go to the nearby surf capital of the North, San Juan, buy myself a beer and watch the sunset.

I have tasted the good life, really, having been subjected to the basketball treatment (where I used to be the ball and I get tossed around from one place to another, by my dad, my mom, my grandmom and an aunt) and Quezon City, Diliman, Meycauayan and La Union were the home courts. I've tasted luxury, I know what it felt like to live extravagantly from at least two out of the three home courts. But it all boils down to this: simple things - that's what makes me happy.

And again, happy, being the overrated word that it is, is just that again. A word. A word that I rarely use, but I'm using it now.

But what are simple things? Eat street food. Hang out at your fave spot without spending too much except for the occasional booze and obligatory cigarettes. Eat tocilog at your neighborhood Pares house. Taking long walks along Session Road and/or Burnham Park, alone. Watching passers-by and being fascinated by them while sipping your morning coffee. Going online for hours on end. Go to the mall and window shop. Go to the metal gigs that you so love. Soundtrip for hours while staring at the ceiling. Taking photos of random things. Simple things that do not involve money (or too much of it). Simple, fun things. Things that you do that are never high maintenance; things that you do that most people would say 'yuck' to.

Going back, happiness in La Union is happiness when I am alone. Now, although I am technically alone, I don't feel so lonely anymore.

I love hangouts. I love isaw. I love lamb. I love beef longganisa. I love everything about the last two weeks. Heck, include September. There is nothing that I would change, save for probably the initial purpose as to how it came to be. But I find it nice, and more of a blessing in disguise. 

Freeze moments. I hope it's possible. So I can put them in a li'l box and have an excuse to be nostalgic.

postulate here

the sad-happy cycle

Posted by bianx at 03:37 PM on October 28, 2009.

Happiness is overrated. But what can I say? I haven't felt happiness in such a long time that NOW is a good, good opportunity to say that I FEEL it. And this time I know why.

Someone makes me happy, surprisingly. There was a time when I long stopped believing that I would get to meet someone who actually will. Well, of course, when a person gets depressed at times the last thing that comes to mind is 'hope.' This is what happened to me for the past few years. I stopped caring for myself just to please someone else. I was not happy. I thought I was, because the last thing I wanted to happen is be left all alone again, and be abandoned and what not. Fear of abandonment, if you want to call it.

Why did it take me five years to come to this realization?

I'd be lying if I've said I don't know why. The only excuse that I could come up with is the fact that I have spent too many years with just this one person and it's pretty hard to start anew with someone else. You know someone too much and it becomes hard to let go no matter how sour the relationship gets. This is what happened, see.

I am happy now for some uncanny reason. If I were any younger, I would probably talk about this guy who I'd have hopes of being together with "officially" but no. Not this time. I am not the same hopeless romantic "tanga" person that I used to be. So what's the difference with bianx now and bianx then when it comes to the so-called happiness that she kept on preaching about years ago, after numerous guys who promised her forever?

This time, I set no expectations. I am very grateful for having met this wonderful, wonderful person. I am not hoping, not waiting, not expecting. The one thing that I can't NOT do is to miss this person. I miss him everyday.

I used to think that it's not a good thing. But now I say that it isn't really bad, because, at the rate it's going, just being friends with this person is more than enough for me to go on with my daily life in an inspired/motivated/happy state. And THAT, I trust, is good.

I am happy. I hope you are too.

postulate here

Arnel

Posted by bacchanale at 11:14 AM on October 19, 2009.

2 "arnel" instances happened this month:

1st instance:

while we were descending an escalator, we spotted arnel pineda near the exit of the mall. he was with his wife and kid. i was star strucked and you can't blame me. i'm a sucker for long haired men and great voices: he's both.

2nd instance:

same mall. just yesterday. we were shopping for undergarments and some of the sales lady asked to have their picture taken with longherr. they thought he was arnel pineda.

i know. funny...and a bit embarassing at that. we were laughing the whole night because of it.

i really cannot find the slightest hint of resemblance...well aside from the vast area on their faces also known as their forehead.  

postulate here

Posted by bacchanale at 07:32 AM on October 14, 2009.

you promised me that you'd be beside me so i won't feel so alone...

i remembered that.

and up to this date...

you had never broken your promise.

thank you.

but because of that i am hunted and bound to never move on.

1 theories

just the way life is.

Posted by tashadeguzman at 05:20 PM on October 13, 2009.

26 years, and it's only just now that my path in life is becoming clearer to me. i'm not saying i won't change my mind again, but the things that has been happening to me now, were my thoughts when i was 18. not a particularly joyful experience as my 18 year old thoughts was a pool of chaos, albeit a sunny one. it wasn't that i didn't know what to do. i had everything planned out, the problem being is that obligations of a 26-year old, and an 18-year old one are two different things.

alot of my friends are getting maried, or if not that, they already have a long-term relationship to boast of, or even kids. my concern is that i am not jealous at all. i don't see myself as this traditional person who graduates college, gets up on the corporate ladder, gets married, has kids, grows old and dies. in fact, my priorities are still that of my 18-year old self; only the obligations have changed. and in this sense, no one ever really grows old, unless they forget what it is like. i still have my dreams of travelling, and of learning; And getting married and having kids can't even get a foothold to make an appearance in my near-future plans.

another thing is my uneasiness to actually nurture relationships. i don't keep it a secret that i'm very bad at keeping in touch with my friends, and i am mostly alone. and i've been doing it since i was in grade school, now that i think back on it. i love meeting new people, i love getting to know them. i love to see how they carry themselves. but in the end, i drop out of their lives. the closest thing i have of having best friends was in high school. and i think i've just succesfully destroyed this rather frail tie of friendship i have with them. i cannot claim to know anyone intimately. i don't think anyone can say that about me either. i am frankly all over the place. my problems are unloaded to a whole array of people whom i don't really speak to again. the only thing i find weird is the number of facebook friends i have. i must be an all-around interesting person at one time or another.

i am not at all in a hurry to become a licensed architect. i don't care much about money, sure it would be nice, but so far it hasn't gotten me into its evil clutches of greed and ambition. people can see this in two ways, if they will look at it in an employer's perspective: A) i will be a lousy employee because i am not hungry for money and will therefore have a greater tendency to have another life to live than that in the office, or B) i will be a meticulous practitioner and passionate lover of my craft because i am not hungry for money and will therefore execute everything i do with care and discipline.

either way, i don't have any long-term plans of staying here anyway, i will stay long enough to have my tools ready. and then my only goal will be to travel and to learn. i will learn to cook, and learn every language i possibly can, i'll design and build, i'll write. ah, that's the dream. thankfully i don't have any baggage at all to speak off, except my family whom are all well. i wonder if i was wired wrong or if everybody else are just hindered by real-world problems to pursue this particular dream.

some people used to tease me that i was a loner, now i can admit that without being hurt or ashamed cause i've learned not to judge this particular aspect of myself. and besides, everyone else is alone when you really think about it, so why should i care.

Currently listening to: ella me levanto
Currently reading: 4 books

postulate here

stubborn

Posted by bacchanale at 09:32 AM on October 13, 2009.

you always knew when i'm drunk.

you knew that it was our memory that i always

took comfort on

whenever i feel like hurting myself.

you always knew it was around this time...

always mornings...

after work.

but you didn't know that

it's only when i'm drunk that i can surrender

to my dismal defeat.

that after all these years you knew

i needed you.

STILL.

not because i needed a wound to dig

but because i wanted to heal us.

++

sorry. thoughtless ramblings. i can't sleep.

funny thing is i'm not even drunk. i just miss you.

AND I HATE HOW SHE FLIRTS WITH YOU.

5 theories